September 11th, 2022 [19:50] Today in history: Dylan Klebold's birthday. 9/11. Also I dropped out after a week of school. August 26th, 2022 [21:03] I'm still kickin! I graduated top of my class back in June, on Monday I'm going to a new art school and the day before that I'm picking up my dorm key. Feels really crazy that I'll be moving out already. It's not permanent or anything, it's just for the coming schoolyear. Also fun fact I lost my virginity. Kissless, hugless, handholdless virgin no more. I've been doing better mentally but I'm scared that as fall and winter come closer I'll do worse again, that's always the case. But I'm confident in my ability to stay strong this time around. This summer I went to visit my dad in Denmark, I got a sunburn there that hurt really bad. I barely had time to come back home before my friends and I were headed to Gothenburg for a few days. I also met up with two of the guys I've talked about on here before, not at the same time of course, but I'm proud of myself for gathering enough courage to meet someone from online irl. Things didn't work out with the cuter one, our personalities didn't click (it hurts to say, but he's really boring). I still see the other one from time to time, text constantly. But I'm not very interested in him actually, because he's a really weird dude. Like the type of weird who should be on a watchlist. I need to break it off with him soon and I think school starting is the perfect opportunity. Anyway, enough about that. I had a crazy fucking stalker for a few months as well, he sent me my own address and my mom's phone number and threatened to come to my apartment or call my mom. Then he threatened to hurt me, said he didn't care if I made a police report etc. I did do one. I had to recount all his bullshit to the police and what did they do? Nothing. He harrassed me for months and I was scared for my safety every day but they didn't do shit. Can't say I'm surprised. He stopped a while ago but I'm still scared he'll come back someday. He kept trying to pressure me into trying drugs as well, like "I think you'd really like LSD". Bro shut up. I'm not some fucking lowlife junkie addict who needs to pop pills and smoke weed every day. April 20th, 2022 [23:23] 23 years since Columbine, today. April 9th, 2022 [22:10] 41 years ago today, Eric Harris was born. He only lived to be 18 years and 11 days old. Today I'm 18 years, 3 months and 4 days old. I have lived longer than the person I was supposed to die younger than. I was supposed to kill myself before it was too late and before it got to the point where I couldn't see him in the next world. I wasted my entire life because of fear, everything was supposed to lead up to my 18th birthday being my last and I couldn't do it. I wasted my chance at going where I'm supposed to go to be with the person who I'm supposed to be with. April 8th, 2022 [19:20] Fuck I'm the worst. I don't know why I can't find the motivation to come on here like at all anymore. Maybe I'm too strained with this site, I need to be more creative. Anyway I only came here today because it's Eric's birthday tomorrow. I was looking at old stuff from 2017 when my Columbine fixation was at it's worst. I still "miss" him so fucking much. I might write like an update or some shit on my life later if I feel like it, cause you guys have no idea what I've been up to the past few months. January 15th, 2022 [01:50] I'm fucking pissed and want to die because yesterday I stayed home from school so that I could go to the bank in order to get my new card and shit like that. Had to wait outside in the freezing fucking cold for like 20 minutes and then wait an additional 20 minutes inside, only to find out they couldn't do the one thing I really needed which was fix a new mobile bankID, BECAUSE get this: MY PASSPORT EXPIRED 12 FUCKING DAYS AGO. Had to leave the bank without doing what I went there to do in the first place. Next stop was the hospital where I was SUPPOSED to take my second vaccination dose, but that was also fucking sabotaged because even tho I didn't need any ID or whatever for my first dose I need it now or I gotta book a test online which I cannot do BECAUSE I don't have a mobile bankID that works for that signature. Basically all the fun I was going to have with my friends after getting my ID and second dose has now been delayed several weeks more than prior to this bullshit. Anyway I had four bowls of salad today. January 10th, 2022 [17:00] I updated the About Me survey since that is something way overdue I've been putting off for far too long. Several of my answers were no longer accurate. Anyway, school starts back up again tomorrow. I'm in my depressive "can't get out of bed"-era and can already sense that it will be troublesome. My sleep schedule is fucked to hell, I look like shit, I feel like shit. I was supposed to work out and restrict all break but I didn't stay true to it. I have no idea how to do my hair or what to wear. I need to shower this evening and pick out an outfit which will result in an autistc meltdown over not being able to decide because for some reason everything will suddenly look like shit on me. My clothes have a tendency to do that when I haven't left home in a while. January 6th, 2022 [15:00] Best birthday of my life!! Introducing my best friend to my other friends went so much better than I was expecting it to, we had a lot of fun. I said no gifts were necessary but I got hair clips, a nail file and some polish, a notebook and nice ink pen, pink heart-shaped sunglasses and some bandaids. One of them brought a bottle of white wine so I could have my first alcoholic drink. It was DISGUSTING and I didn't even get buzzed, but at least it was funny when they all got to see how I reacted to the taste. We ate snacks and watched the first two Raimi Spider-man movies, took a lot of pictures (esp on my digital camera from 2005 which was fun). January 5th, 2022 [00:50] HEY. It's my birthday. I'm 18 now! Can't believe I made it this far honestly. My friends from school are coming over today and so is my best friend, it's the first time they're going to meet. All of them are staying the night. My mom hung up a bunch of balloons in the ceiling, and we went to the store in the afternoon to get snacks. I'm excited but at the same time devastated. After my friends leave I'll go get my second pfizer shot, and soon enough I will also get my ID. Having my picture taken is not something I'm at all ready for since I've yet to lose weight and clear up my skin. But the first time always sucks, I guess. Happy birthday to me. December 28th, 2021 [16:10] In response to "IF" in my guestbook: Congrats for being the first person who to my knowledge has found that message lol. People do indeed find everything. Anyway, It's winter break. Christmas has passed. New years is coming up. I'm trying to focus on self care and staying committed to it. It's going so-so, but that's okay because getting into a new routine is always hard at the beginning. I've been pretending that time has not moved forward because I don't want to accept how close it is to my birthday. And I'm not saying shit's getting bad again, but I redownloaded the stupid tumblr app last night. Fuck them for banning any thinspo related tags, making me go through loopholes only to find old stuff from the summer of 2011. I learned that thinspo used to be way less harsh. December 9th, 2021 [22:00] It's crazy how time flies, this year has felt so short. I don't want to accept that soon my 18th birthday will roll around and my childhood will officially be over. I have 17 days left. This school term ends on Wednesday of next week, which marks the turning point where I have only ONE SINGLE TERM LEFT of college. Applying to university is something I'm looking forward to a lot, I have already planned out what I want to study and what I want to work as. Criminology, and criminal profiler. The dream is of course to be an agent of the behavioural analysis unit at the FBI, but in order for that to work I'd have to move to the USA and attend the FBI academy. I don't think anyone could have predicted this path for me 5-6 years ago when I first got into the tcc. I ordered my student cap for graduation a while ago and that made everything feel so much more real. And it's scary too cause like what if I'm not ready, what if I fuck up and everything I've tried to secure fails entirely and I have to reconsider my entire future? I didn't even have any future plans before this year because I decided at 13 that I had to kill myself soon after or preferably before I turned 18. I want to get better at updating this site, like checking in and writing some quick entries or whatever. I've been neglecting it because I didn't want to fall back into the mentality I used to have. I think I'm stable enough now though. Time will tell, if I do actually get my shit together and follow up on what I've said. Considered making a new site again because I feel limited within the layout and theme of this one, but I don't know. Anyway, here's something fun and interesting. I'm in a talking stage with someone new right now. He's way out of my league and 4 years older than me so obviously I feel nervous about it all, but things are going so good. Maybe this time shit won't hit the fan so fast. I got better at makeup, too, by the way. Had a dentist appointment last week to check out my jaw, because I have pain in the right side and suspect TMJ. They confirmed that something is wrong and I will get a new appointed time soon at another place. FUCK my mom for trying to gaslight me into thinking I'm delusional and body dysmorphic. My jaw literally is slanted and uneven. I'm so asymmetrical I look like a Picasso painting. September 19th, 2021 [20:20] Happy today cause I fixed up some of my bedroom. My mom and I worked together to put shelves above my desk and a mirror on the wall next to my bed. There's also a bulletin board above my desk now, cause I've always wanted one. Put fairy lights along the shelves so it's super cozy. My grandma gave me a new office chair which is SO much more comfortable than the wooden kitchen chair I'd been using for ages. Unhappy in general with how much junk I have eaten not just this weekend but on regular days too. I've gained weight like a fat fucking pig and my skin is probably going to break out. I've binged the fuck out of Sex Education on Netflix and have already reached season 3 and the show is surprisingly good, considering I fucking hate sex scenes. Great soundtrack. September 17th, 2021 [22:11] Shit, I know it's been a month but I am still alive. Admittedly I did forget about my site for a while and only just now remembered that I should probably update or something. Just to say that I'm okay. Well I wasn't okay for a minute (more than a minute) but things have calmed down. To sum it up I had a shit argument with my mom, surprise surprise, and she wants me out after graduation. Out as in she wants to kick me out and doesn't care where I go or what the fuck happens to me lol. Cool right? Anyway school started back up a month ago to the day and it's been pretty chill which I'm very happy about. I got a bad cold and had to miss almost two full weeks worth of classes but I didn't fall behind much. I'm in love with someone who has been inactive for god knows how long, so they'll probably never see that I tried to message them. Not on here of course but a (shocker) dating app. Yes I love him. Yes that's such a stupid thing to say considering most guys are fuckboys and the fact that it's on a fucking dating app and that I've never interacted with him aside from visiting his profile 30 times a day. His inactivity probably means that he's in a happy relationship with some lucky girl, or he got bored of the app and deleted it. Manifesting his return. I just got to thinking about how much I've matured since I first made my OG site on Neocities. It's crazy to think that I was only in 8th grade back then, and now I'm in my last year of college. I'll go to university and study criminology if I get in next year. Maybe meet some better friends. I hope I'm one of those people who can turn their life around and leave behind their shitty past. Actually looking forward to it.