July 8th, 2020 [22:10] I spent almost all day stuck in my room because my mom had a guest over and I hate that. I hate when people see me. So I didn't get to eat until just now, which is really good because that means I haven't been snacking throughout the day. Someone mentioned a tcc wipeout on Twitter, I don't know what that's all about but there'll probably be a handful of new tcc pages popping up here on Neocities because of it. It's been a really uneventful day so forgive me for not having anything interesting to say. PewDiePie went live earlier, towards the end he played some Minecraft on his server and my friend who has tier 3 channel membership joined too, she was right in frame several times. I'm happy for her but jealous at the same time, I can't have subscriptions that cost money. My site has reached over a thousand updates and just about 17k views. Again, I am wondering why. The only appeal that I can think of about my website is the fact that it's been made to look like Windows 95. Other than that it's just me ranting about stupid shit that doesn't concern anyone else. Digital journals are not all that interesting unless you have context, and nobody who reads this fully knows me. July 7th, 2020 [12:50] Today I had another appointment at BUP. As always, it felt incredibly stupid and unnecessary. I've already done the damn standard questionaire but for some dumbfuck reason I have to do it again. The woman I meet with is stupid too, she keeps asking me "Why are you laughing?" It's a NERVOUS REACTION YOU FUCKING CUNT, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? Anyway it didn't go as bad as last time. In the car on the way home I listened to Eminem. I really want to go out and work on my tan but because my mom is taking forever, I doubt it'll even be sunny by the time she's done. I'm so pissed. I waited so long for the opportunity to sit in the sun again, and yesterday she went out with my little brother instead. Today she just ruined it all by being a slow moron. Anyway, maybe I'll add onto this entry later. For now I'm just gonna watch Glee. July 5th, 2020 [21:40] Sick. I'm so, so sick. I haven't really talked about this shit much because I don't want to project this problem onto other people but I can't fucking keep it to myself anymore. I just feel so fucking disgusting. Today I deleted my calorie tracking app that I've had and used for the past two years. I didn't want to get rid of it, I had to make space for Spotify so I could get music in the car. All damn day I've felt like an obese fucking idiot who doesn't deserve to eat, food is fuel, food isn't meant to be consumed just for the hell of it. Junk food is unnecessary and a waste of money. But I still had a donut. I had a fucking donut and I feel disgusting. I want to throw it back up but my mom would hear me retching in the bathroom. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just be a good girl, be a pretty girl, a slim and dainty girl. Stop fucking gaining weight for once. I have to lose weight, fast. I think I'm going to go back to eating a maximum of 300 cals a day. I just need to get rid of all this fat. I'm so fucking fat. My mom tells me I eat too little but the truth is that I eat way too MUCH. I'm a FATASS. From now on I'll only eat healthy stuff and in very small portions. At least that's the goal, I'm such an awful person I can't even stick to a diet. I know that by tomorrow I'll probably be wishing I had snacks. I hate myself. Sometimes I want to grab a pair of scissors and just cut off all the extra. Help me God please. I know there's no higher power out there but I need someone to help me get better. Help me get rid of all the disgust and the shame. I just want to be pretty. Or even just average, I can't stand looking like this anymore, I'm going to kill myself if I can't change it all. I don't care what I have to do in order to get the money I need for cosmetic surgery, it's all I think about day out and day in. As soon as I turn 18, I'm going to make enough money to go to Korea and have surgery. If I can't naturally be perfect I will MAKE myself perfect. I'm going to throw up I feel like such a nasty bitch. Tomorrow I have to work out. I don't care if it hurts. I'm going on the treadmill for hours, I will burn enough calories to turn me into a fucking skeleton. Right now I'm most likely at the 48-50 kg mark, and in the next two weeks I will try my best to get down to AT LEAST 45. If I fail, I'll have to do something to make myself learn a lesson. I refuse to let this be just another empty statement. I'm going to work so fucking hard, I want this more than anything. June 30th, 2020 [01:50] I am so fucking sick and tired of being harassed on a regular basis. Why can't people just mind their own fucking business? Leave me ALONE. If I've made it clear as goddamn day that I want nothing to do with you, how about you learn how to fucking respect my wishes? I could make a LIST of people who are constantly on my ass for total bullshit reasons. Even when I've made several attempts to distance myself. Really, how difficult is it to just fuck off? What triggered me to be so pissed about this tonight is this one retard who at one point asked me for free art. Sure, I was doing a few requests back then, but I specifically stated that I didn't guarantee they'd all be done and I even said that I wouldn't draw any guys because I suck at it. This was last year. I ended up not doing their request and it should've just been left at that. An artist is never obligated to put time into creating FREE art for a complete stranger. Or anyone, for that matter. This fucking freak still can't let that go. Every now and then he'll send me messages, going so far as to make new accounts. Learn to take "no" for an answer, dipshit. It's not my duty to please you. For the love of god, just end that pathetic whiney behaviour. How do people like that get past age 10? Then there are other guys who keep harassing me as well. Like this one fucking idiot who's been spamming me on discord for like 6 months and keeps sending friends to spam me as well. Take the damn hint, I don't want you to be part of my life. And another, who somehow TRACKED DOWN MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT despite me using a fake name and never revealing any information about myself. This shit is so fucking scary, I feel unsafe almost all the freaking time. Then of course there's also this one guy who keeps trying to ruin my social life because I rejected him. Grow the fuck up, you're 20 years old and your hairline is falling back faster than your stupid incompetent brain can comprehend. People who act like this deserve no rights in society. Someone should dump them all in the middle of the jungle and let them fend for themselves. June 28th, 2020 [02:30] Is it creepy to be overly invested in what my mutuals are up to? You guys bet I'm out here checking every site update several times a day. Can't help myself. I'm real tired right now, I was actually headed to bed about two hours ago but I got caught up rewatching PewDiePie's playthrough of Uncharted 4. I love that game to bits even if I myself haven't played it. What I came here to write about this time is manifestation, I don't know if I believe in it or not. One half of me is all like "Yes! That shit's got to be a thing!" but then the other half goes "That's so illogical, grow up". All the Randonautica stuff got my thoughts going at full speed all day. Often I feel like I've manifested things. By the looks of things, plenty of other people feel that same way too. Maybe we all just desperately want our lives to have some sort of impact on the world around us. Well fuck I tabbed out for almost an hour and completely forgot that I was in the middle of writing an entry. I'm too fuckin tired to finish this now so I'll come back later with a refreshed and rested mind. Peace. June 27th, 2020 [11:50] Man, I have not been doing my best at keeping this journal up to date the past week or so. I just haven't been motivated to write. At all. The soc meeting wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Yesterday was my friend's birthday so we had a small get-together at her house. It was really awkward since we haven't hung out for so long. As I expected, it drained my social battery so when I got back home I just did my own thing instead of texting anyone. It's been extremely hot both outside and inside lately, like 30 degrees or so. My friends have gotten tan but I'm still a pale freak because I rarely go outside. Today I'm going with my mum to our gardening lot, there's a small beach close to it where I might suntan. I hate wearing swimwear because it really shows off all my insecurities about my body. But alas, you gotta do what you gotta do. I saw that news story about the teens on TikTok who used Randonautica and found a suitcase with human remains, and while that creeped me the fuck out I really want to try the app with my friends. I'm itching for an adventure. I just wanna go out and find some spooky shit in the woods or whatever. Anyway, my hands hurt because I've been doing a lot of art lately and it's putting a strain on me, so I'll keep this entry short and sweet. Adios for now. June 19th, 2020 [08:50] Insert Eminem saying "Something's wrong, I can feel it" here. Uh oh, my brain is up to no good. I feel another persona coming along! By no means do I have DID, but I do often form new personalities as a coping mechanism to help me deal with my life. I'm fully self aware and I don't need help for this, contrary to what my old friend thought, calling me crazy when HE was the one who triggered me to keep on switching so often. A lot of times these things are triggered by me becoming attached to people or characters. I obsess and hyperfixate to the point where I feel the need to become whoever it is I'm stuck on. Before I get into this and write about what urges I'm having right now, I just want to say that I'm really scared. Next week I have appointments with BUP and social services. I haven't had to be in contact with soc since like, 2016? And that wasn't even about me. That shit was between my parents. But anyway I don't really know what to expect. When I was little and used to go to "meetings" they would just ask a ton of questions while I got to sit and draw. I have a feeling this'll be much different, which is what I'm so worried over. BUT... Let me change the topic and get my mind off of the situation at hand. Back to the whole coping mechanism crap. This past week I have subtly taken on the personality of Rachel Berry from Glee, which I know sounds so damn stupid but I can't help it. It just happens. I didn't go full out this time but I picked up on some characteristics and speaking patterns. What's about to happen now isn't related to any specific person or character. I just have the urge to be overly optimistic and positive in general as if there's nothing wrong. My brain is telling me, HEY, stop worrying. Live your life in the moment and just be HAPPY. So I'm going to partly take it up on that. Of course when doing these things I don't like mixing up the way I act with people I already know, I try to keep that to a minimum because I want to be 100% myself with friends or they might think I'm weird. Kinda makes me wish I had friends who understood this stuff though. I wanna goof off and be stupid, childish, free. Speaking of stupid... I feel as if people think they have to dumb shit down for me when I've told them I have Asperger's. I'm not a vegetable. I'm fully capable of understanding you without the need for "baby language". But you know what, I should just see it as validation and accept the fact that people want to make sure I'm not falling behind. Usually I can tell if it's got malicious intent behind it or not, most of the time people just want to be considerate. Still annoys me sometimes. Fuckin' neurotypicals, am I right!? Lmao. June 12th, 2020 [13:50] Thank you, all those who have left nice messages for me in my guestbook. I really appreciate it a bunch. Situation is still messy and I don't know what's going to happen but I'll try to keep you guys posted if anyone's even regularly checking what kinda bullshit I write here. Anyway, I'm gonna go on another stupid weird rant again. How original! Today's topic: Idfk, figure it out. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Especially about my dreams. I think most of my non-nightmares have a common theme and that theme is love. Even when I'm unconscious, my brain has to obsess over LOVE. Whether I dream about having a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't matter, what matters is that I'm always reminded of how lonely I really am. I can't even escape that shit by going to sleep. Is this normal? Do other people fixate on the idea of being in a relationship? I don't want to rely on the idea to keep me going but that's pretty much what I'm doing and have been doing for years. It's almost embarrassing to admit. I feel as if I'm the only one who has this problem. That's what it is, a fucking problem, cause those dreams are never going to become reality. I want them to go away so I stop feeling so pathetic. At the same time I just want to be likeable, I want people to adore and desire me. Something I noticed is that a lot of the music I listen to is centered around the concept of love. Maybe that's affecting my way of thinking and I should cut it down, at least a bit. There's also this other big fucking issue and it's entirely my fault. I'm wired wrong. I have weirdly specific standards that I refuse to stray from even when I fucking WANT to. I can't be attracted to people younger than me. Maybe it has to do with maturity. If I were to date a girl, in my head, it's only okay if she's my age or at most a year older. With guys, it's different. Preferably they'd be at least 2 years older. There are also certain names I fucking hate and can't stand. Prime example being "Ben". If your name is Ben, I hate you. Why am I like this? I just want to be happy. I want to make someone else happy, make them feel good. But I can't take care of myself properly, I'm not stable enough so how the hell would I handle being even partially responsible over someone else's feelings? June 11th, 2020 [01:40] I might get institutionalized. Almost happened already. I need to get ready for bed but if anyone sees this before I get to finish writing, I'll come back in a bit. Alright so what happened is that I was venting to a good friend who I'd known for like 2 years about how pissed and annoyed I am because my older brother always has his speakers on with a shit ton of bassboost. I was exaggerating and saying my that my brother deserves to die. I was also arguing with my mum. Then my friend who I no longer consider a friend sent my rant to my brother who in turn showed it to my mum. She fucking raged at me, came to my room several times and screamed at me and said she was gonna throw me out the next day and that she didn't care what happens to me. That I should pack my things and GTFO. I had also told her that my friends want me to contact social services since I always feel so shitty. This pissed her off even further. She threatened to take my devices. She told me I'm sick in the head and that I'm in psychosis, which I'm not. The next day she called BUP (child and youth psychiatry) and told them I'm a danger to myself and others. I was forced to go there against my will the day after. They said that if I got any worse I would be "hospitalized" aka put in 24/7 care against my fucking will. Why are the consequences for WORDS so intense in my case? My brothers have threatened me, they've abused me, SO HAS MY FUCKING WHORE MOTHER but none of them have to own up to it. At BUP my mum was denying everything, she was making me seem crazy and there's actual fucking proof because we were arguing on Messenger so her words are still in the damn chat yet she can't admit to typing them. BUP is contacting social services and they're going to do some kind of investigation to determine if I'm not able to stay in this home. They're going to talk to my family members and they're all against me so obviously I won't be able to stand up for myself when it's 3v1. I'm going to fucking lose everything, if I get put in foster case I'll probably never see my cat again and he's the only one in this universe that I fully and truly love and would die for. He's my best friend and if I lose him because of them, they'll be responsible for my death. The two women I talked to at BUP said that even if just my sleep schedule doesn't improve, that's enough reasoning to send me to a ward. That's so fucking ridiculous, what teen in this day and age, especially during summer break, has a proper sleep schedule? Fuck off. So I have to lay low now in case they try to look through my shit. Deleted everything off my laptop and phone. Logged out of all social media except Insta. Made a new Discord account. That's pretty much it so far. June 7th, 2020 [04:30] Have to disappear for a while, don't know when or if I'll be back, sorry June 6th, 2020 [18:30] I can't fucking breathe I can't fucking breathe I need to get out of here I can't live my life like this anymore I have to kill myself or get out of here and I can't get out so I have to die it's the only fucking way to make it stop I can't fucking tke it anymore my head is throbbing all the time I'm going fucking insane I can't take it anymore I just want it to stop and the only way to stop it is to die I fucking hate everything I hate this family I hate this home it's not my fucking home this has never been my home I just need to get out and never come back I fucking hate it here I can't take it anymore my head hurts so much I can't fucking breathe I'm crying too hard I have to make it stop I have to kill my brother I have to kill my brother I fucking have to beat him to death with my own hands to mke it stop I fucking hate him so much it's his fault it's my family's fault nd I hope they all die I fucking want to kill them and if I kill them I have to kill myself so I don't go to prison I just want it to stop I fucking hate them so much I hate them I hate them I hate them it's their fault this is happening to me they don't fucking listen they never listen to me they do this on purpose they're doing everyrhing they can to fucking hurt me and I can't take it why am I still here just crying like a little bitch instead of doing something about it why don't I just kill them I could kill them right now if I really had the guts to do it and then I hve to die but I don't have the fucking guts I'm such a pussy I just want to end it all but I can't I just want to die I want it to stop already I'm fucking in pain all the time and nothing helps and nothing ever could help me June 5th, 2020 [18:50] To answer my guestbook comments: Jack, I have not listened to mewithoutYOU. VF, what do you mean by "or so I am told"? Moving on. I got a B in history and an A in English, so I'm satisfied. I think I'm the only person in this family who is ever going to be something. If I stay alive, that is. It feels so good to not have to worry about school until August 17th. Don't know how to feel about it. The government is saying we'll all return to regular school in person after summer break unless there's another wave of Corona, which I for some reason feel like there won't be. At least not to the severity where we can't attend regular school. On the 12th of this month, so in a week, I'll be going to hand in all my books and my calculator. Might see my classmates then, but we're not allowed to be close to each other because social distancing is still in place. None of us are sick so I feel that we should at least be allowed to stand next to one another and say hi. We're going to hand in our stuff through the library window because we're not allowed to enter the building without a permit. Anyway, no more school bullshit. I'm pissed as hell over staying up until 4 in the morning for an eBay auction I had no chance of winning due to automatic bidding, but I found it in an alternate colour and bought that instead since it wasn't listed as an auction. The thing I'm talking about is the dress Violet Harmon wears in the pilot episode of American Horror Story: Murder House. While the dress is M, two sizes too big for me, maybe I can trade it for a smaller one or one in the right colour. Or I could just resell it at a higher price since the person I bought it from didn't seem to know how rare and valuable it really is. Should be arriving by June 22nd. I also went on Netflix after waking up and saw that another season of Thirteen Reasons Why is out. Give me 13 reasons as to why that shitshow keeps getting funded. Could Netflix work on continuing their good shows instead? I don't know anyone who enjoys 13RW, and I for one fucking hate that show. Isn't it retarded how they removed the suicide scene but left in several rape scenes that come out of nowhere? And what aspect could they possibly milk, FOR A WHOLE NEW SEASON. Is Clay Jensen going to wake up from a dream at the end and reveal that it was all in his head? Are they going to run with another school shooting trope? Is the apocalypse going to start? I have no fucking clue as to where they're going with this show. June 4th, 2020 [15:50] First, thanks Blue from my guestbook for your nice message. And to nico, I'm shitty at initiating conversation so... Idk lol. Mail me or something if you wanna talk. Anyway, topic change. Today was my last day of proper school. On Monday is my official last day, I think the graduation shit is gonna be livestreamed on YouTube and I don't think that I'll be "attending". I got an E as my final grade in math, I'm disappointed cause I put in a lot of work these past two terms. But I'm still okay with it because passing 1st year math means I don't have to take it again. I got a B in Swedish class. Still don't know about history or English. If I didn't get an A in English I'll be so fucking pissed, how would I get anything lower when I'm literally from England and learned English as one of my first languages? My teacher better not be a bitch about it and ruin my A-streak. Anyway, there was a BLM protest in Stockholm yesterday and fucking hell, there were a shit ton of people. I wasn't there myself but people I know were posting it to their stories on Instagram and Snapchat. While I support protesting, who the fuck thought it'd be a good idea to have such a large gathering during a GLOBAL PANDEMIC! It's as though people want Corona. To top it off, the police were using pepper spray and tear gas in the crowded subway. People were running all over the place. They weren't even going easy on the kids. I saw people sitting on the floor, screaming from getting sprayed in the face. This shit is so chaotic. I don't even think police brutality against black people is a big thing in Sweden. People should be protesting against the fact that sex offenders get little to no punishment. Not even jail time. Even with evidence and witnesses. This country is fucking doomed and nobody is focusing on the real issues. I can't wait to be an adult and be in control of my own life. June 1st, 2020 [21:10] In this very moment, things are not so bad. This is my last week of school before summer break starts. I'm going to be optimistic and say that I think it'll be okay. What's not okay is all the shit going on in America right now, hope y'all don't die or some shit. I'm all for anarchy and overthrowing the government but if any person reading this is participating in protests and riots, be careful. And of course, ACAB. Viva la revolucion. Tomorrow I have a math test which I haven't studied for and I don't even know what it's going to be about, but online school makes it easy to cheat. I just hate that we're forced to keep our cameras on. I don't want people to see me and I don't want to see myself. I had a seminar in English class today and my teacher insisted that cameras were obligatory. Who the fuck is she to tell me that I have to show myself to people in a goddamn Microsoft Teams call when I haven't even had time to prepare myself? Anyway I'm going to add a link to leaked documents related to the whole USA situation in my linkage module. I've also added some random things here and there on my site, "hidden" links that really aren't too hidden since any person could just check my Neocities profile to see what I've been doing. But it's just me venting about things that are long overdue, so it's pretty much irrelevant to anyone except for myself. I watched Ringu yesterday and it wasn't as scary as expected but I was still unnerved. Thanks "crach" in my guestbook for recommending it. Maybe I'll watch the American version soon. I don't know why but I keep feeling as if I'm going to throw up. Right now it's like that. I feel so sick but not quite sick enough to vomit. I don't like feeling this way so I hope it stops eventually. There's a faint smell of cigarette smoke in my bedroom because there are people smoking outside and my window is open. I don't know why it feels comforting, I hate the smell of cigarette smoke and I hate smoking because it's bad for your health. Maybe I just miss going outside, being in town where there are always tons of smokers. My mum didn't cook today. I told her I'm very hungry and she said "I don't give a damn". For how long am I going to have to live off of old cereal and bread? Give me proper nutrients, variety, an actual meal. My body hurts. May 31st, 2020 [02:10] I spend an ungodly amount of time thinking about how much of a narcissistic cunt I am. Guess it's good that I'm self aware but to what extent is this going to go on? And while I can be extremely self-centered it's like a rollercoaster. One minute I'm the greatest person to ever have lived and then 2,5 seconds later I hate myself so much that I wish I'd have had the courage to off myself when I first started having thoughts about it. As of right now I'm on one of my highs. Sometimes I'm thankful for it because I don't get as offended when people insult me, because I don't believe I deserve it. An inflated ego can also be a burden though, I talk way too much about myself and I'm sure people get tired of hearing my stupid oversharing. Can't help it sadly. That's just how socializing works for me. People talk about themselves in order to let others get to know them. It's a comfortable way of conversating because then you can share whatever you feel like sharing and there's no pressure to come up with questions. Everything comes naturally. But the thing is, this point of view is not universal. Most people think the best way to conversate is to ask each other questions and take turns answering. I say fuck that, I can't handle stale convos that die out after 5 minutes of having no passion for whatever you're talking about. Anyway I forgot what the hell I was originally coming here to write, it's been like an hour since I started typing and with my sHoRt TeRm MeMoRy LoSs that's not great. May 28th, 2020 [16:50] I wrote something in my thoughts yesterday that may resonate with other people in this community, so if you would like to put it on your site as well you can go ahead. No need to ask. It can also be found on the right side of my site if you click the "Statement" icon although you won't be able to copy and paste the text from there. To the person who asked why I did not report sickgirl myself: Do you have any idea what it's like when your one place to vent is taken away from you? I've gone through that shit 9+ times. I will not deprive someone of their outlets when I recognize their situation and relate to what they're going through. To me, that's cruel. I would much rather talk to the person myself and make sure they're not going to end up doing something to hurt themselves or others. If they were, then yes the safest option would be to contact someone who could give them the proper help they need. What's not right is to put them on blast without even attempting to talk to them beforehand. As someone who enjoys Ready To Glare's other content where she brings attention to actual crime cases, I'm disappointed in her for the way she handled this and is now taking praise from her fanbase. Already myself and others in the Neocities true crime community have noticed unwanted attention. Why are you people going out of your way to track us down and judge us based on your closeminded perspective of things? May 27th, 2020 [23:50] Today something interesting happened. While I was asleep after school, a YouTuber called Ready To Glare made a video about one of my mutuals, sickgirl here on Neocities whose site is now deleted. I don't want to support the video or help RTG get ad revenue on it because I don't think what she did was fair on anyone but herself. Basically what happened is that someone sent an email about sickgirl's site to RTG, who then checked it out and made a cybertip report to the FBI along with a video for her YouTube channel that has 553k subscribers. My question is, why would she broadcast this to such a huge audience instead of just leaving it at the FBI report or maybe going out of her way to contact the person behind the site? There was no need to bring another hundreds of thousands of people into this, like with the Sol Pais situation. I'm worried that people who are curious about the tcc here on Neocities will come here to leave hate and stir up shit for no reason simply because they can't respect our interests and the way we choose to cope with our lives. I'm not going to back down if anyone comes for me because I haven't done shit wrong. Free speech exists, I can say whatever the hell I want and that's exactly what I'll keep doing. I haven't made any threats or encouraged illegal activities. Sure, there are edgy things on my site but those don't equal me being a bad or dangerous person. And sickgirl if you're reading this I hope you're as okay as can be despite the circumstances, I hope your life isn't being made worse just because someone wanted views on a YouTube video. Your suffering should not be used for monetary gain, and if you ever want to reach out to anyone in the community I'm here and you know where to find me. May 26th, 2020 [23:15] I didn't do shit in school today. Like I actually did not do any work, at all. Felt good to just relax even if lying to my teachers will have consequences. We got our English test results back today and I got an A on my discussion essay, at least that is something I can be happy about. I wanted to work on a project cause my mum wasn't home, instead I wasted my time watching two movies. The first one was a Korean horror movie called Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum. It had some very unsettling scenes but the jumpscares really weren't that bad. At one part I was screaming to drown out a really fuckin creepy sound one of the characters was making. Then I went ahead and watched Parasite, which was a pretty good movie even if the streaming site I used was buffering a shit ton at the end. I think the actress who plays the sister is very pretty, I wish I also could look like that. All in all, my day has not been productive but it sure was something. From now on I might watch more horror movies that are actually scary, AKA more Asian ones. May 25th, 2020 [23:45] I've returned to ask, yet again, "why?" There's no valid reason for my life to be such a miserable excuse for living. I thought I'd be happier with online school and the extra free time but it's just showing me how much of an unproductive lazy fucker I truly am. I have done nothing of worth these past 3-4 months. I just keep fucking shit up when I want to do GOOD. I think part of the reason why I want to make new friends is because I need people to ground me and give me something to live for. Once my cat dies I will have nothing, and I am so fucking afraid. I am scared every single day because I don't want to lose him, he means everything to me and he's been my best friend since I was 3 years old. I've promised myself to commit suicide when he dies, so that I can "be with him", I don't want him to be alone wherever he goes after. I'm sobbing right now just writing about it. God I'm so fucking pathetic that my only reason to live is my cat. I want to love someone and be loved back so that I have something keeping me alive when I lose him. Why, why, why do I always do this to myself. Thinking too much about the fact that one day he'll be gone instead of just cherishing the moment right here and now. I'm so fucking disconnected from other human beings it makes me feel so isolated and alone all the damn time. And I always have to be so strong for everyone else because as soon as I let anyone see how weak I really am, they think I'm not good enough or they just want to take advantage of me, break me down even more. My cries for help are ignored time and time again to the point where I should just give up because clearly nobody cares enough to even acknowledge them. It's even more ridiculous that I dedicate so many hours to feeling sad for myself when the issue is me. I'm the one who's unlikeable, I've literally been told by former friends that I'm a weird bitch, that I'm too apathetic, that I deserve to get tied to a tree and raped until my body can't take it anymore. But I can't help that I'm like this, I can't control how my brain works or what my personality is like. Or am I just telling myself these things to feel better? What if I'm fucking delusional and crazy as everyone says and the people who are unfortunate enough to read this shit are laughing at how blind I am to the truth. This entry is way too fucking long I just have to stop, I can barely fucking see what I'm typing when there are so many tears making everything blurry. May 24th, 2020 [01:20] My site has 666 updates but as I save this, that'll be ruined. I'm in some stupid kind of "philosofical" mood or whatever the hell you wanna call it. I just wanna talk to people about life, feelings, what the meaning of everything is. What's the point of existence and why do we experience things like love, grief, all that shit. I want to connect with people and know that my views aren't one of a kind. I really, REALLY want to go outside. It's dark, it's chilly and even if I can't see any stars I just want to look up at the open sky and feel something. I'm sure I would feel so small and insignificant, but maybe that's exactly what I need right now. Something to knock me off my high horse and calm my ego. I want to sit in the backseat of a car in the middle of the night, driving on a highway and counting the streetlights. Listening to songs that remind me of when I didn't have the problems I have now. I want to be a little kid again and have my parents carry me to my bed because they think I've fallen asleep, when I'm really just pretending so that I won't have to walk from the car to the house. I want to hold someone's hand, lay down in a field of grass and close my eyes and feel grounded. There are just so many things I want. May 23th, 2020 [19:00] What the hell is wrong with me? I just snapped at one of my friends. Basically what happened was that I vented in my server on Discord and everyone just started talking about onions and hamburgers as a way to ignore me and my feelings, this happens every single time I have problems. She's going to blow this way out of proportion and make me the bad guy even if she's pushed me to the point where I couldn't even hold the fuck back. Like my mum yelled at me over nothing again today and I was talking about it in the server and they changed the topic and ignored me, then I called them out for not being supportive or giving a shit about me when my mental health is rapidly declining. I told her that maybe she could offer moral support like she expects all the rest of us to do for her when she's behind in all classes and won't even take anyone's advice. Now she's not saying anything and I'm terrified that it's going to be awkward because we're in the same friend group in school, what if she turns everyone against me? I'm going to be a total outcast again if that happens. But I just couldn't hold myself back, I HAD TO do it. I pressed enter before my brain even registered what I was about to do. I also feel disgusting because I had 3/4 of a small blueberry pie and I wanted to throw it up but I think I waited too long, I still feel so fucking sick and I can't believe how much of a shithead I am. May 21th, 2020 [23:00] Today has been extremely uneventful. I didn't have school because today and tomorrow are some kind of Christian holiday shit in Sweden. My mum finally went to the store, I had tacos for dinner except I hate the consistency of minced meat so I skipped that part. Feels good to not be hungry anymore but it also feels like shit to know that I'll gain weight again. I always tell myself, food is fuel. Yet there's a part of me that just wants to eat, eat and eat. I haven't weighed myself in a while but the past few years I seem to have been stuck around 48 kg, except for when I gain and end up at like 50. I would love it if I could get down to at least 45. 40 if I'm lucky. Here's an update on the situation with my brother: My mum has done absolutely nothing to punish him. As fucking expected. May 19th, 2020 [20:30] I'm writing two entries in the same day because I feel it's necessary to give this it's own part. My little brother came home and was upset because some other kids outside had made fun of him. He's 11. Then a few minutes later my older brother, 18, comes home and says there's someone in the apartment stairs who wants to talk to my mum. Apparently my younger brother slammed the head of a 7 year old boy into a stone wall. So, my mum was in the living room talking to the other boy's mother. I was in the kitchen looking for anything to eat, but as usual there was nothing. Then I heard my little brother come out of his room and yell "Get out!" at the other mother, and he came to the kitchen where I was. He grabbed a kitchen knife and went to threaten her. I felt genuine fear when he grabbed the knife. Considering all the times he has abused me, what if he one day decides to kill me? He's strong, he could take a knife and kill me if he felt like it. The kid's dad also came over to talk for a while. The craziest thing about all of this TO ME, is that my mum isn't even mad at him. She's being so fucking calm and talking to him as if he's done nothing wrong. Why? Whenever I as much as breathe wrong, I get lectured and threatened with foster care. This is all so fucking unfair. I hope she actually does something about this and that my brother is sent away. I shouldn't have to fear for my life in my own home. May 19th, 2020 [12:00] I rarely get food at home. My mum hasn't been to the store in so long, there's actually nothing edible that I can eat. There's no bread, there's no milk, there's nothing in the freezer that I can heat up. I'm fucking starving to the point where it hurts, I eat so little that I feel lightheaded from small simple movements and I spend most of my time in bed to avoid feeling like I'm gonna throw up just for standing up. She steals my money so I can't buy my own food, and even if I did buy food everyone else would eat it before I got the chance because that's what my family is like. They're thieving sons of bitches who take everything for themselves and leave me with nothing. I absolutely hate it here, I have a bad fucking migrane right now as well and even then I'm forced to participate in gym class. What's the point of all this suffering? Like genuinely what is the point. Why am I living a life of this low quality? Do I really deserve this, and if so, why? May 17th, 2020 [03:30] So it's very late at night or very early in the morning depending on how you wanna look at it. I don't know why I stay up like this, I've recently fixed my sleep schedule but it seems I'm getting out of line again. It feels like I'm seriously decaying, all I do is refresh the same apps and the same websites, day out and day in. My life needs change, something new and exciting. I desperately want to make more friends but the fact that I'm socially inept doesn't really help. For the love of god, if you're reading this, BEFRIEND ME. PLEASE. All I've done these past few weeks is watch Netflix, sleep, eat and have online classes. It's so damn boring that you could barely call this "living". Anyway I guess it's pretty cool that my site has 1694 views and 10 followers already, 'preciate it. All you other tcc people on here are neat, I like your sites although most of you are probably not going to read this... But if you do, thanks. Keep doing what you're doing cause I like it. May 16th, 2020 [14:30] Recently I've been hyperfixating on things that are sunken underwater. It's strange because ever since I was a little kid I've suffered from submechanophobia, the fear of manmade things submerged either fully or partially in water. I didn't know it was a real thing that other people had as well, it's good to find out that I'm not crazy. So what I'm doing right now is looking at pictures of shipwrecks, underwater animatronics and so on. It makes my fucking skin crawl but I can't stop. May 15th, 2020 [13:00] So, here's my first entry. I kinda struggled with the coding to make sure the text would stay inside the actual Notepad module, which I didn't manage to fix perfectly but at least it's something. I'm much more proud of this site compared to my first one so far. While I'm glad to have been able to make the text scrollable, I'm not happy with how it "overflows" on the top and bottom when scrolling. Honestly, right now I should be working on an assignment that's due later today, but html is more fun.